To ensure that there is no tweeting, gaudy bling and snapping of photos at Westminster Abbey or improper toasting at the buffet reception at Buckingham Palace, guests attending the April 29 royal wedding have received a 22-page etiquette guide.

Contrary to what one may think, since the marriage of Prince William’s parents 30 years ago on July 29, 1981, wedding etiquette has evolved to include today’s technology and societal trends. Future brides and grooms, now have the
choice of going modern, traditional, or follow the royals (blue) etiquette guidelines to plan their wedding day, says Ottawa-area etiquette specialist Julie Blais Comeau.

The gifts

Traditional

Household (trousseau-type) gifts.

Modern

Gift registries at department and specialty stores.

Cash donations.

The royals

Charitable gifts in lieu of wedding presents to any of the 26 charities that support the five causes that are dear to the couple’s hearts.

Donations may be made via their website, text message, phone or cheques sent to St. James Palace.

My recommendation

Never mention gifts on a wedding invitation; it’s tacky and might appear greedy. The only acceptable way of spreading the news about a wedding wish list is through word of mouth. Guests should ask family members and wedding attendants, who will share the details. There is no set formula for the value of a wedding gift. It should not be viewed as an exchange for the value of the reception. You offer a gift that considers your feelings and relationship to the couple while respecting the couple’s wishes and your budget.

Wedding attendants

Traditional

- The bride chooses a maid of honour and bridesmaids.

- The groom chooses a best man and groomsmen or ushers.

- The number of bridesmaids and groomsmen or ushers is equal.

Modern

- The bride and groom may choose to honour the men and women in their lives to act as their honour attendants without the traditional titles.

- No rule for the pairing of attendants.

The royals

• Prince William’s best man is his brother, Prince Harry.

• Kate Middleton’s maid of honour is her sister, Philippa.

• The other attendants are two page boys, eight and 10 years old, and four bridesmaids ranging from three to eight years old.

My recommendation

Keep in mind that your attendants are your wedding ambassadors.

Choose with your heart while considering the duties and responsibilities associated with these roles.

Wearing black or white

Traditional

A guest would never have dared.

Modern

Yes, if: The attire could not be mistaken for funeral wear. It should look festive. Accessories will help convey that message.

- You will not be falsely identified as the bride.

- You will not offend anyone.

The royals

Wedding guests have received instructions not to wear white or cream.

My recommendation

First consider the time of day and formality of the wedding before deciding on what to wear. Ladies, when in doubt, don’t — or ask one of the wedding attendants. When sending invitations, make sure to include a dress code.

Faux pas, then and now

- Not responding to an invitation.

- Bringing an escort or children when their names were not on the invitation.

- Arriving late.

- Taking attention away from the wedding couple, including drinking too much.

- Clinking glasses with cutlery.

- Leaving with the centrepiece when not advised to do so by the wedding party.

- Waiting a year to send a wedding gift.

Paying for the reception

Traditional

The bride's family pays.

Modern

The family of the bride or the groom's family or the couple or any combination share the costs of the wedding.

The royals

The Mountbatten-Windsors with an undisclosed contribution from the Middletons have shared in the expenses of the day. The consequential costs are paid by the government and other bodies.

My recommendation

To avoid surprises, niggles or discord, discuss expectations and budgets prior to spending including what to do when tempted to overspend.

The guest list

Traditional

It is equally divided between the future spouses with four lists at the onset; the bride’s, the groom’s, the bride’s parents and the groom’s parents.

Modern

Close family members and friends, chosen by the couple.

The royals

1,900 guests for the ceremony at Westminster Abbey.

650 invitations to the Queen’s buffet luncheon.

300 invitations to Prince Charles’ evening dancing reception.

My recommendation

The celebrants, members of the wedding party (including the parents of the children in the wedding party) and their spouses be included on the guest list. Each guest’s spouse and all that have organized or were guests at a pre-wedding celebration, except work celebrations.

To fulfil budget constraints, you may have a two-tiered reception by having a more intimate ceremony and reception with additional guests joining you for the evening party.

Invite only guests that you want to share your happiness with.

Some more tips

1. Plan your day for yourself, not for others

2. Take advantage of the Internet (sites, search engines etc.)

3. Get the groom to be involved, it’s his wedding too

4. Seat older guests away from loud music

5. Pamper yourself! Treat your mom and girls to a spa day before the wedding

6. Be realistic about weight loss goals when selecting your gown

7. Remember to involve step parents in some way

8. Think about your attendants likes and dislikes before purchasing the
attendant gifts

9. Consider some of your photos in black and white, they are timeless

10. Remember to allow time for table visits during your reception

11. Pick a song for your first dance that has meaning or a good memory for the
two of you

12. Remember evening receptions are assumed to be more formal than day time
receptions

13. Have someone else do your makeup, you will be too nervous and critical

14. Consider having wedding and reception at one location, it is much easier for
timing

15. Don’t overbook your limo, they will usually seat 10

16. Send your invitations out 6-8 weeks before the wedding

17. Send your thank you notes out no later than 3 months after the wedding

18. Look for your ceremony and reception sites first-one year out is average

19. Don’t invite guests you really don’t want to see at your wedding

20. Try to stay within your allocated budget

21. See several of each vendor before making these important decisions

22. Go over the kinds of pictures you will want with your photographer well
ahead of time

23. Take time to select the music you will enjoy during your reception

24. Take dance lessons for your first dance

25. Don’t forget to invite your officiant to your reception

26. Register for gifts well in advance of your wedding date

27. Select dresses for your attendants that flatter them all

28. Assign someone to collect and return all rented items from your wedding day

29. Preserve your gown…your own daughter or another family member may be able to
use it one day

30. Look at your guests when walking down the aisle with a big smile, you don’t
want to miss your own wedding

31. Don’t forget to offer a “vegetarian” option

32. Don’t seat divorced parents at the same table

33. Consider hosting a brunch to open gifts with family the day after

34. Take an engagement photo to display near your guest book

35. Select favors that reflect your personalities or interests

36. Have scotch tape available at the gift table

37. Make sure you are comfortable with and like all of your vendors

38. Select and book your DJ 6-12 months in advance

39. Do not go over 5 minutes when making a toast

40. Start working on your tan early, you don’t want to be red or peeling on your
big day

41. Store your mementos carefully

42. Have all of your travel documents 6 months in advance

43. Assign someone to retrieve your guest book, toasting glasses, pictures and
cameras from the tables, you don’t want to come back to find these things lost

44. Offer sparkling cider as well as champagne for the toast, some guests may
not drink alcohol

45. Store your wedding photos carefully

46. Make important decisions well ahead of time regarding finances, housing,
chores, etc…

47. Attend bridal shows for ideas for your wedding

48. Don’t skimp on the honeymoon, you will be sorry if you do

49. Order a small bouquet for the bouquet toss, keep your bouquet as a momento

50. Have a tasting for your reception food and your wedding cake

51. If you have an outdoor ceremony be sure to have a backup in case of bad
weather

52. Don’t stress out over little things

53. Be sure your Maid of honor knows how to bustle your dress

54. Assign someone to attend to your gifts after the reception

55. Be sure the best man has an appropriate toast that includes something about
the bride

56. Make all payments in a timely manner

57. Wear waterproof mascara

58. Get a good nights sleep the night before your wedding

59. Do not let friends or family talk you in to things you don’t want for your
wedding

60. Be sure to eat on your wedding day, it’s easy to forget or be too excited
but you don’t want to get run down

61. Consider buying the grooms tux instead of renting, he will have it for a
lifetime

62. Don’t leave your guests too long between the ceremony and reception

63. Give each other a wedding gift on your wedding night

64. Don’t drink too much at your wedding, you want to remember every last moment

65. Take time to visit with as many guests as possible

66. Be sure to ask about decorating restrictions at your reception facility

67. Be creative and personalize your wedding

68. Have your hair done ahead of time with your head piece

69. Do not get haircuts closer than 1 month before your wedding

70. Make appointments with vendors so you are not disappointed if they are
unavailable

71. Think about how the wedding colors you select will look at the reception
site

72. Do not have drastically different hair and makeup from your everyday look

73. Take time to look around and enjoy everything you have been planning for so
long

74. Be sure your photographer knows which guests you really want photos of

75. ENJOY YOURSELF AND HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME!


Tags: Dos and don'ts for couples about to get married, getting married