On Valentine’s Day – as on anniversaries, birthdays, or on vacation, there’s a good chance of being confronted by a partner who really wants to have sex. So what can you do to ensure that you have a happy, sexy and most importantly, pain-free Valentine’s Day?

1. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do

If you don’t want to have penetrative sex on February 14th, don’t have penetrative sex on February 14th. The same goes for the thirteenth and the fifteenth and every other day of the year. If you don’t want to have sex, for whatever reason, don’t. Yes, there is extra pressure on Valentine’s Day, and yes, it can be tempting to grit your teeth and push through the pain for your partner’s sake. But sex that brings pleasure to one partner while causing unwanted pain to another is damaging to the relationship, not to mention the possibility of doing extra damage to your body and to your emotions and attitudes toward sex in the long term. It’s reasonable to worry about disappointing your partner, but in this instance, you need to put yourself first. Besides, says Jaclyn Friedman, editor of Yes Means Yes! Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World Without Rape, “a partner who doesn’t care about your pain, and about your pleasure, isn’t a partner you want to be with.”

2. You are not alone

Far from it. While there are no precise numbers on exactly how many women experience chronic pain during sex, believe me when I say it’s more than you think. I’ve been astonished, in the months since I started writing about this problem by how many women have confided in me, women I’ve never met in my life and women I’ve known for years, to tell me that they too have suffered chronic pelvic pain. We don’t hear a lot about it because in our culture, sex is pleasurable and awesome, and there’s very little room in our cultural discourse for talking about sex that feels any other way. That can leave women who for whom sex is painful feeling awfully isolated and alone. You’re not broken, or defective, or a freak, and you’re certainly not the only one going through this.

3. There’s more than one way to have sex

You don’t have to put a penis in a vagina for to be having sex. Hopefully, there are lots of other things you and your partner can with each other that won’t cause you pain. Do those instead. It’s incredibly unfortunate that we hype penis-in-vagina sex up as the pinnacle of the human sexual experience (“home run!”). For one thing, it excludes couples that aren’t heterosexual. And for women who experience vaginal pain on penetration, the focus on PIV reinforces the feeling that they can’t have sex, when in fact, they can’t have one kind of sex. There are many, many other ways to get off, and if PIV sex isn’t enjoyable for you, I suggest that you solemnly commit yourself to trying them all. It’s hard work, but someone has to do it.

4. You don’t have to celebrate Valentine’s Day on Valentine’s Day

You don’t have to celebrate it on the fourteenth, or at all. If you do want to celebrate, it might help to reschedule it, Friedman suggests, for some time after all the pink roses and heart-shaped chocolate boxes have disappeared from store shelves and the daily barrage of Victoria’s Secret commercials has receded to non-Valentine’s levels. A partner who cares about you will understand the need to take the pressure off – after all, there’s something in it for him, too. The same goes for birthdays, anniversaries, and other occasions that might be special to you even if Valentine’s Day isn’t. If you don’t want to postpone, then talk to your partner before the big night. Remind them that while you understand the importance of the occasion, you might not want to have PIV sex that night or you might need to stop part-way through. Again, a partner who cares about you will understand, and it’s much easier to talk about emotionally fraught issues like this one in advance, and with all your clothes on.

5. Seek Treatment

And if it doesn’t work, keep seeking. I can’t tell you how many doctors I saw before I found one who took my problem seriously and could suggest an effective treatment. I wasn’t alone in that. Clare reports that the first doctor she saw told her that “I probably didn't like my boyfriend, that I didn't like sex, or that I was imagining the pain.” Vulvodynia, vaginismus and other chronic pelvic pain conditions are poorly understood, and for that reason, it can be hard to find a doctor who recognizes them and harder to find a treatment that works. There are lots of different things you can try, including physical therapy and massage. It can be frustrating to have to shop around, infuriating to learn that there’s no quick fix. But it’s worth it, because you deserve to have pain-free PIV sex.

I’m going to say that again, because sometimes it can be easy to forget, especially if sex has been painful for a long time: you deserve to have pain-free sex. You deserve a partner who prioritizes your pain over their pleasure. You deserve a doctor who will listen to you and who will try whatever avenue they can think of to help solve your problem. You deserve pain-free sex, and there’s nothing wrong with saying “no” to penetration until you can have it. Even on Valentine’s Day.


Tags: Valentine's Day Sex Advise For Couples